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Magnificent Seven Fanfiction ~ Parody Style

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by: Ruby


Rating: PG-13 for Language and Implications...<g>

Disclaimer. The Magnificent Seven is owned by Trilogy, Mirish and MGM. Nothing mentioned in this story belongs to me. No money is being made. This fanfic is purely for entertainment purposes.


Author's Notes: I'm in the process of writing a parody for each/any/all of the seven. (Don't want to pick on anyone <G>) So far, I have: The Wheel, Icky, Parts, Rental Horse Blues.

This is a parody. It's not to be taken seriously.



by: Ruby 

Ezra Standish staggered into the saloon, muddy hoofprints marking his attire. "That... " he pointed toward the still-swinging bat wing doors. "That... odious, abominable, detestable, execrable, hateful, odoriferous, repugnant... I need one more describing word..." He glanced at Wilmington. "Help me out here, Buck."


"Icky!" Ezra cried. "That *icky* Mr. Jackson just ran me over with his horse."

Chris Larabee shrugged. "Maybe it was an accident."

"An *accident*?" Ezra exclaimed. "I don't *think* so, Mr. Larabee. I think it was a deliberate act of sabotage towards my person." Scoffing, he said, "We all know how Mr. Jackson feels about me." He shook his head sadly. "I just don't know how to make him understand that I'm," a tear ran down his cheek, "good and kind and brave-"

Larabee cleared his throat loudly.

Looking suddenly sheepish, Ezra scuffed the toe of his boot on the floor. "Well, eh, the running away from the battle to find my wealth in gold and getting innocent people killed thing - did kind of suck." He shrugged. "But," he brightened, "I'm brave *now*."

The five peacekeepers stared at him.

Ezra continued, "And I do not know why Mr. Jackson does not realize that I'm channeling Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Princess Di... Mr. Rogers!"

Vin shrugged. "I always liked The Electric Company, myself."

"Speaking of," Josiah pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket. "I've got to pay my bill." He studied the paper. "Anyone know what 'Final Notice' means?"

"Don't any of you care that my reputation is being... maligned?" Ezra stomped his foot.

"Frankly, Ezra, were a mite bored with the whole thing." Vin shrugged tiredly. "One day you and Nathan is best of friends. The next day you's wanting to kill each other. Damn, we need score cards or something."

"There's a daily tally running on the chalk board next to the bar."


"Mr. Larabee, aren't you going to help me? Say something wonderful about my character? After much sole, ahem, I mean soul searching and three quarters of the story, of course."

Chris shrugged. "Odoriferous? Are you sure that's the word you wanted to use?" He shook his head. "What the hell does that *mean*?"

"Icky?" Buck nodded and then playfully nudged him.

Chris glanced over at him. The two made eye contact.

Buck licked his lips.

"God damn!" Chris blew his bangs off his forehead with a sharp breath. "Is it *hot* in here?" He slapped the table for emphasis. "Think I'll," he glanced at Buck and then away, "go to the... "

"Bathhouse," Buck said from the corner of his mouth, not moving his lips.

"...bathhouse!" Chris finished his sentence and then scurried out.

"Think I'll go too!" Buck stood up quickly, nearly knocking the table over.

"But, Buck," JD said, "you already had a bath today." He looked down at his Swatch. "At 10:20. And then again at 11:15."

"Don't forget 12:02," Josiah reminded him.

"Oh, yeah. And then there was the one at 2:43."

"Okay! Okay!" Buck huffed. "So I'm already clean. But... I hear... that there's... ah... some... peacekeeping duties that need to be... dutied at the... ah... you know... "


"P'shaw," Buck scoffed. "The jail? Right! No, at the... bathhouse."


Buck ran for the batwing doors.

The men sat for a long moment before Ezra broke the silence.

"Can we get back to me, now?" The southerner whined. "Don't you know EVERYTHING has to be about me."

"Suckin' yer thumb, there, Ez?"

"What's that supposed to mean, Mr. Tanner?"

"Want some *whine* with that cheese?"

"Oh, why yes, Mr. Dunne, that would be- Hey!" Ezra glowered at the snickering men. "I do not appreciate the implication that I'm-"

"We's not implicationing anything, Ez," Vin interrupted. "We's just tellin' it like it is."

"Vin?" JD asked. "Has your accent like totally been getting worse since the beginning of the story?"

"Ya know, I right believe ya'all's right about that one, there, kid."

"I'm not a k... oh, never mind."

Ezra sulked. "Everyone knows that I'm the misunderstood mar... marter... mart... ah, the... self-sacrificing... ah... person... with the heart of gold." He pulled his pocket dictionary out and thumbed through it while he spoke under his breath, "How in the hell do you spell martyr anyway... ?"

"E. Z. R. A." JD laughed hysterically.

The southerner glared at him as he put the dictionary away. He hunched towards the table, looking glum, as he spoke softly under his breath, so the Whole Stinking Saloon Could Hear Him, "Everyone knows it's all about me." He stuck his bottom lip out. "All Ezra. All the time."

"There's Seven of us, Ez." JD frowned at him. "It's not the Magnificent One."

"It might as well be," Josiah rolled his eyes as he huffed loudly. "Seven men. One STAR."

"Don't you mean, Seven Men and one stuck up southerner who hogs all the limelight and is always misunderstood and better'n he's portrayed. And getting picked on by Nathan even while he's saving small children... and puppies... in a single bound?" JD said.

Vin nudged him. "Don't forget that guinea pig."

JD nodded. "But that took two bounds."


"The Greatest American Hero." Ezra smiled smugly.

"*Loved* that show!" Josiah exclaimed.

"No." Ezra glowered. "I mean... that's me... The Greatest Am... oh, never mind."

Just then Nathan ran through the butterflywing doors. "Ezra! I am *so* sorry! It was an accident!" he cried. "I didn't mean to run you over with my horse!"

Ezra looked up at him incredulously. "You chased me through two alleys, around the outhouse and over the General Store."

"Oh," Nathan ducked his head, "heh heh, Yeah... but chasin' you over the General Store was an accident."

Ezra looked hopeful. "It was?"

"Oh, yeah. I should have finished you off at least by the second alley."


Just then Chris and Buck strolled back in, both smoking cheroots. Buck's was menthol.

"Wha'd we miss here, boys?" Buck asked.

"Whad? What the hell kind of word is that?"

"What did we miss here, boys?" Buck sneered and then stuck his tongue out at Vin.

The two peacekeepers sat down at the table with their teammates.

Chris pulled out his pocket planner. "Ezra, at 4:40 there's some bank robbers coming into town. I was wondering if you could, in a wonderful example of self-sacrifice, use your own body as a human shield to protect one of the others, preferably Vin... or Nathan. And then spend," he glanced down at his book for a second, "oh, a couple hours," he looked back up, "in Nathan's clinic, touch and go, needing surgery, but Nathan too worried to do it for you, while we wait, in inexhaustible anxiety, outside on the balcony, hoping you'll be all right."

"But I have a poker game." Ezra sniffed.

Chris stared at him.

"Oh, all right." Ezra agreed and then tipped his hat to his comrades before leaving the room, a spring in his step.

"He acquiesced pretty easy there, don't you think?" Buck stroked his mustache as he glanced at the door.

"All right. The next person who uses the word 'acquiesced' in a sentence will Be -Shot- Dead. Do you understand?" Chris put his hand over his deadpeoplemaker.

They all acquiesced.

The men gradually found better things to do and moved out of the scene, leaving only JD and Vin behind.

"Implicationing?" JD grinned over at Tanner. "That's a good one, Vin."

Vin smirked. "Thought it rhymed with vacationing, and that's what I'd like to be doing right now."

JD nodded wistfully. "You and me both, pard. You and me both."


October 2004


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