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I Hear Ya Knockin' But'cha Can't Come I

by: Ruby 

Rating: PG-13 Language

Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven is owned by Trilogy, Mirish, MGM. No oney is being made. Also, I don't know how many things in this fic that I've stolen from movies and TV shows, but no copyright infringement is intended, so please don't sue me. I've made a list at the bottom of the page to give credit where credit's due. This fanfic is purely for entertainment purposes.

Warning: PG-13 Language/ Really, I don't know what to rate it. It's definitely a STRANGE fic! I never said that I had a normal sense of humor, so read at your own risk. <g>

Author's Notes: Thanks to Judy for betaing for me. This story is one of those that is WAY out there. It is not meant to be taken seriously at all. In fact, it makes my stories like Lloyd at 20,000 Feet and The Glare look like serious, angst-filled fics. LOL!!

Feedback is always greatly appreciated. Please let me know what you think. Thank you, Ruby :)

 

I Hear Ya Knockin' But'cha Can't Come I

by: Ruby 

All seven of the boys were sitting in the jail when there was a soft knock at the door.

"Now who'd be knocking at this time?" Buck asked. 

"Hell, who'd be *knockin'* at all? Don't nobody nowhere know how to knock before they enter an office." Chris glared pointedly at each man in turn.

<<Mumble Mumble>> Came a muffled voice from the other side of the door. 

"Mumble? Guys," Josiah asked them, "did we order a mumble?" 

<<Badges?>> They could barely make out the word." 

"Badges?" Chris yelled, "We don't need no stinkin' badges!"

The doorbell rang and they heard: <<Candygram>>

Excited, Vin went to stand up, but Nate stopped him with a hand. "Now, you just stay in that seat there. You're in no condition to be up and running around. I swear, I patch you fellas up and before your body has the time to heal you're disobeying my orders and out running around. Besides," he said, "my brother in Blazing Saddles hasn't had the chance to invent Candygrams yet. He's still trying to figure out if the drunk in the jail is really The Waco Kid."

"But, Nathan, I'm not hurt," Vin told him. 

"I know. I know!" Nathan shook his head. "You're *fine* right?" 

"Well... yeeeaahh." 

"I don't wanna hear it Vin. You're not fi-" 

<<Telegram>> The voice was clearer now. 

"Oh, a telegram," JD said, opening the door. "I'll get-" 

JD was cut off when a huge blue head with an enormous open mouth filled with long, sharp white felt-looking teeth... ate him... and ran.

The six men stared at the empty spot where their youngest had been standing a second before.

"JD!!" Buck started wailing. "Oh, JD! My bestest friend in the whole wide world. Why? Why? Why?"

The men noticed that Ezra's eyes were open wide, his face pale, his mouth forming a large 'O.'

"Ezra?" Vin asked. "You know who that guy was?" 

"Not 'who,' Mr. Tanner. 'What.' " He shuddered. 

"What?" 

"Yes. 'What.' " 

"No. I mean, WHAT in the hell are you jabberin' about?" 

"I do NOT jabber," Ezra replied haughtily. 

"Ezra," Vin sighed, "just tell us what that thing was, okay?" He pleaded.

Finally, the haughty look was replaced once again with the 'terrified that one day Chris Larabee is just gonna up and blow my poor, wee, lil' cheatin' Southern head off ' look. He stuttered for a few moments, trying to get the words out.

"What?" Josiah asked him. 

"Que?" Nathan also asked him, then said, "Ezra, do you know what the damn thing is or don't'cha?"

"Si," Ezra told him. 

"C. K. Watt?" Chris asked, clearly confused and his patience waning.

"Vin," he turned towards his best friend, looking hard at him.

Vin raised his eyebrows. 

"Vin? Heeelllooo?" Chris sing-songed. 

"Chris what in the hell are you doing," Vin asked the stalwart leader. 

"I'm projecting my thoughts. You know telekinesis or telethoning or telephoning or telepathing, whatever that tele word is that means what it is when we talk to each other without 'talking.' "

"Oh, well, it must not be working right now 'cause I don't hear you saying nothin' to me and all you're doin' is ruining your hard-ass reputation by lookin' like a three-banded armadillo that just ate some loco weed," Vin replied.

"Vin," Chris spoke very clearly, concisely, enunciating each and every word. "What - I - would - like - you - to - do - is - read - through - the - wanted - posters - on - the - desk - there - and - see - if - you - can - find - one - for - a - guy - named - C. K. Watt."

"Yeah, like *that* could happen," Ezra replied acidly, sounding drunk-and-just-lost-a-poker-game-to-a-cheat disgruntled.

"What?" Vin asked Chris, obviously missing Ezra's remark. 

"Yeah, that's right," Chris said, "Watt. C. K. Watt." 

Vin didn't move except to lean back in his chair. "I kn-o-ow no-o-thing," he said in a foreign accent, needing to complete this pun from Fawlty Towers so they could get on with the rest of the story.

Ezra suddenly overcame his fear and tongue-tied-ed-ness and blurted out, "It's a Blue...Sea...Thingy!"

"A WHAT?" Five men asked together. 

"A Shark! A Shark! A Shark! For Pete's sake, it's a SHARK!" 

"Who's Pete?" Chris asked. 

"Figure of speech," Ezra told him. 

"Figure yer dead if yer lyin'," Chris retorted. 

Ezra rapidly blinked twice before laying his head down on the desk, hitting it repeatedly and saying, "Why me? Why me? Oh, Robert E. Lee, why me?"

"Well," Chris said, sounding bored. "We'd better go find this C. K. Watt Shark character and get JD back."

Five men followed him out, Nathan trying to pick Vin up to carry him, and Vin fighting him off by hitting him over the head with his harmonica.

They heard some noise in the saloon and, thinking that they could try to find JD later, after they maybe had a little bit of Red Eye in them, moseyed on in. Imagine their surprise when the object of their furious search was sitting at *their* table drinking with the blue-sea-thingy!

"Hey, guys, meet Chase here." JD waved them over. 

"Chase?" Chris said.

"Yeah?" The shark answered. 

"No," Chris gave him a sharp look. "I was asking JD, -Chase?- You know, like repeating it, making sure I got it right even though he *just* said it."

"Oh," Chase replied. 

"We were afraid he ate you." Chris turned his black-garbed attention back to the youngest of the flock... of seagulls.

"Oh, well he did," JD told him. 

Six expectant faces gaped at him. 

"Soooo...." Buck prompted. 

"Well, I was down there in his belly," JD was talking faster than usual and the only ones who could understand him were the ones who had passed all their auctioneer classes, "and," JD continued after I so rudely interrupted him, "I was thinking: Wow!... This really sucks!... And then I was thinking... Mom never warned me there'd be days like *this*... And then, I was like... Digestive juices stink!"

"JD?" Chris asked with his 'smiting you to hell as we speak' look. 

"Oh, okay, so, see, I took out one of my Colt Lightnings," JD pulled one of the guns out and tried to twirl it, but it stuck to his hand with sticky shark goo. He put it away, clearly disappointed. "Anyway. So I took it out and I-"

"You shot him?" asked Buck. 

JD gave him a stern look, about as stern a look as someone covered from head to toe in shark juice can. "Buck! Stop interrupting me!" he scolded.

"Well, get to the story." 

"Well, stop interrupting me and I will!" 

"BOYS!" 

"So, I take out my gun and try to shoot, but obviously shark digestive juices create an adverse reaction to the metal inside the barrel of a gun." JD waved his gooey gun in the air for emphasis.

They looked at Ezra. 

"Yeah. What he said," Ezra clarified. 

"So, I was like: I'm gonna die. And then I was like: I'm gonna die *and* smell bad. So, I did the only thing that I could."

Six sleeping figures met his eyes. 

"Guys?!" 

"What? Oh. Go on JD." 

"So I did the only thing that I could... I poked him with my gun and he threw me up." He made a face. "I'll just say that he wasn't a real happy shark then. He was giving me the eye. You know - the 'EYE.' " He bugged his eyes out and blew air into his cheeks while making little fishy lips with his mouth. "So," JD replied, "I asked him if he'd like to have a shot of whiskey 'fore he tried to eat me again."

"And he said yes?" Chris asked. 

JD bobbed his head repeatedly. 

"So you brought this shark into our saloon?" Chris accused. "*Our* saloon?"

"And you're letting him drink *my* good stock?" Ezra's eyes blazed fire. Honest to God actual fire.

"Ezra! You're charrin' us here. Can you keep the eye thing down?" Vin wiped the cinders off his prized dead animal-skin jacket.

"Well?" JD squeaked, ignoring the two goofballs and keeping his attention firmly planted on Chris Larabee's nose. "What did you want me to do with him? Let him eat me?"

Six sets of eyes glanced anywhere but at the kid. 

"Guys," JD reprimanded. "That's just sad." He shook his head. "I mean, come on, I'm the 'little brother character.' I make all of you remember your childhoods and back to what it was like to be innocent and sweet, unencumbered by life's travails...like when you were Three. You can't just let a shark eat me! Where's your love? You know! Come on now, show me your love. You're lovin' me now! I know it!" His smile was big and his voice high. "Show me the money, Jerry!"

"Well, folks," Chase the shark said, getting up and throwing a couple ones on the table. "It's been fun, but I have to get back to the set."

"Oh, well, it was sure nice having you," Chris said politely. 

"Hey, he was gonna eat me." JD pouted. 

"Come on back anytime, ya hear." Vin clapped him on the back. 

"Vin? He was digesting me." 

"Yah, don't make yourself scarce." Josiah put his arm around his shoulder as he walked him out the door.

<Sob!> 

Soon, Josiah came back, looking down at JD who, after crying himself to sleep, was lying on the floor with his blankie, sucking his thumb. He smiled at the kid wistfully. "He sure looks younger when he's asleep."

"So, Josiah, he gone?" 

"Yep," Josiah smiled. 

"Did you catch his name?" 

"Well, yeah! I mean, we all heard what his name was. Jeesh, Vin, where ya been the last half hour?"

"No," Vin opened his eyes wide, looking pointedly at Josiah. "I mean, Did you catch his name?"

"Oh," Josiah nodded knowingly. "Yep, I sure did." 

"And who was that masked man?" The guys asked.

"Turning, so he could look directly into the camera, Josiah yelled, 

"L-A-N-D-S-H-A-R-K!!!!!!!!!"

November 2001

 

References:

Blazing Saddles

Land Shark - Saturday Night Live

Fawlty Towers

Chevy Chase - Saturday Night Live

Flock of Seagulls

Jerry Maguire

The Lone Ranger

 

Note from Ruby: All of the references that I've made to mag7fic in this story were done out of love.   

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Please let me know what you think. I'd love to know.

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