Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven is
owned by Trilogy, Mirish, MGM. No oney is being made. Also, I
don't know how many things in this fic that I've stolen from
movies and TV shows, but no copyright infringement is intended, so please don't sue
me. I've made a list at the bottom of the page
to give credit where credit's due. This fanfic is purely for
PG-13 Language/ Really, I don't know what to rate it. It's
definitely a STRANGE fic! I never said that I had a normal sense of
humor, so read at your own risk. <g>
Author's Notes: Thanks
to Judy for betaing for me. This story is one of those
that is WAY out there. It is not meant to be taken seriously at all. In
fact, it makes my stories like Lloyd
at 20,000 Feet
look like serious, angst-filled fics. LOL!!
is always greatly appreciated. Please let me know what you think.
Thank you, Ruby :)
seven of the boys were sitting in the jail when there was a soft
knock at the door.
who'd be knocking at this time?" Buck asked.
who'd be *knockin'* at all? Don't nobody nowhere know how to knock
before they enter an office." Chris glared pointedly at each man
Mumble>> Came a muffled voice from the other side of the door.
Guys," Josiah asked them, "did we order a mumble?"
They could barely make out the word."
"Badges?" Chris yelled, "We don't need
no stinkin' badges!"
The doorbell rang and they heard:
Vin went to stand up, but Nate stopped him with a hand. "Now,
you just stay in that seat there. You're in no condition to be up and
running around. I swear, I patch you fellas up and before your body
has the time to heal you're disobeying my orders and out running
around. Besides," he said, "my brother in Blazing Saddles
hasn't had the chance to invent Candygrams yet. He's still trying to
figure out if the drunk in the jail is really The Waco Kid."
Nathan, I'm not hurt," Vin told him.
know. I know!" Nathan shook his head. "You're *fine* right?"
don't wanna hear it Vin. You're not fi-"
The voice was clearer now.
a telegram," JD said, opening the door. "I'll get-"
was cut off when a huge blue head with an enormous open mouth filled
with long, sharp white felt-looking teeth... ate him... and ran.
six men stared at the empty spot where their youngest had been
standing a second before.
Buck started wailing. "Oh, JD! My bestest friend in the whole
wide world. Why? Why? Why?"
men noticed that Ezra's eyes were open wide, his face pale, his
mouth forming a large 'O.'
Vin asked. "You know who that guy was?"
'who,' Mr. Tanner. 'What.' " He shuddered.
I mean, WHAT in the hell are you jabberin' about?"
do NOT jabber," Ezra replied haughtily.
Vin sighed, "just tell us what that thing was, okay?" He pleaded.
the haughty look was replaced once again with the 'terrified that
one day Chris Larabee is just gonna up and blow my poor, wee, lil'
cheatin' Southern head off ' look. He stuttered for a few moments,
trying to get the words out.
Josiah asked him.
Nathan also asked him, then said, "Ezra, do you know what the
damn thing is or don't'cha?"
Ezra told him.
"C. K. Watt?" Chris asked, clearly
confused and his patience waning.
he turned towards his best friend, looking hard at him.
raised his eyebrows.
Heeelllooo?" Chris sing-songed.
what in the hell are you doing," Vin asked the stalwart leader.
projecting my thoughts. You know telekinesis or telethoning or
telephoning or telepathing, whatever that tele word is that means
what it is when we talk to each other without 'talking.' "
well, it must not be working right now 'cause I don't hear you
saying nothin' to me and all you're doin' is ruining your hard-ass
reputation by lookin' like a three-banded armadillo that just ate
some loco weed," Vin replied.
Chris spoke very clearly, concisely, enunciating each and every
word. "What - I - would - like - you - to - do - is - read -
through - the - wanted - posters - on - the - desk - there - and -
see - if - you - can - find - one - for - a - guy - named - C. K. Watt."
like *that* could happen," Ezra replied acidly, sounding drunk-and-just-lost-a-poker-game-to-a-cheat
Vin asked Chris, obviously missing Ezra's remark.
that's right," Chris said, "Watt. C. K. Watt."
didn't move except to lean back in his chair. "I kn-o-ow
no-o-thing," he said in a foreign accent, needing to complete
this pun from Fawlty Towers so they could get on with the rest of the story.
suddenly overcame his fear and tongue-tied-ed-ness and blurted out,
"It's a Blue...Sea...Thingy!"
WHAT?" Five men asked together.
Shark! A Shark! A Shark! For Pete's sake, it's a SHARK!"
Pete?" Chris asked.
of speech," Ezra told him.
yer dead if yer lyin'," Chris retorted.
rapidly blinked twice before laying his head down on the desk,
hitting it repeatedly and saying, "Why me? Why me? Oh, Robert E.
Lee, why me?"
Chris said, sounding bored. "We'd better go find this C. K.
Watt Shark character and get JD back."
men followed him out, Nathan trying to pick Vin up to carry him, and
Vin fighting him off by hitting him over the head with his harmonica.
heard some noise in the saloon and, thinking that they could try to
find JD later, after they maybe had a little bit of Red Eye in them,
moseyed on in. Imagine their surprise when the object of their
furious search was sitting at *their* table drinking with the blue-sea-thingy!
guys, meet Chase here." JD waved them over.
The shark answered.
Chris gave him a sharp look. "I was asking JD, -Chase?- You
know, like repeating it, making sure I got it right even though he
*just* said it."
"We were afraid he ate you." Chris
turned his black-garbed attention back to the youngest of the
flock... of seagulls.
well he did," JD told him.
expectant faces gaped at him.
I was down there in his belly," JD was talking faster than
usual and the only ones who could understand him were the ones who
had passed all their auctioneer classes, "and," JD
continued after I so rudely interrupted him, "I was thinking:
Wow!... This really sucks!... And then I was thinking... Mom never
warned me there'd be days like *this*... And then, I was like...
Digestive juices stink!"
Chris asked with his 'smiting you to hell as we speak' look.
okay, so, see, I took out one of my Colt Lightnings," JD pulled
one of the guns out and tried to twirl it, but it stuck to his hand
with sticky shark goo. He put it away, clearly disappointed.
"Anyway. So I took it out and I-"
shot him?" asked Buck.
gave him a stern look, about as stern a look as someone covered from
head to toe in shark juice can. "Buck! Stop interrupting
me!" he scolded.
get to the story."
stop interrupting me and I will!"
I take out my gun and try to shoot, but obviously shark digestive
juices create an adverse reaction to the metal inside the barrel of a
gun." JD waved his gooey gun in the air for emphasis.
looked at Ezra.
What he said," Ezra clarified.
I was like: I'm gonna die. And then I was like: I'm gonna die *and*
smell bad. So, I did the only thing that I could."
sleeping figures met his eyes.
Oh. Go on JD."
I did the only thing that I could... I poked him with my gun and he
threw me up." He made a face. "I'll just say that he wasn't
a real happy shark then. He was giving me the eye. You know - the
'EYE.' " He bugged his eyes out and blew air into his cheeks
while making little fishy lips with his mouth. "So," JD
replied, "I asked him if he'd like to have a shot of whiskey
'fore he tried to eat me again."
he said yes?" Chris asked.
bobbed his head repeatedly.
you brought this shark into our saloon?" Chris accused.
you're letting him drink *my* good stock?" Ezra's eyes blazed
fire. Honest to God actual fire.
You're charrin' us here. Can you keep the eye thing down?" Vin
wiped the cinders off his prized dead animal-skin jacket.
JD squeaked, ignoring the two goofballs and keeping his attention
firmly planted on Chris Larabee's nose. "What did you want me to
do with him? Let him eat me?"
sets of eyes glanced anywhere but at the kid.
"Guys," JD reprimanded. "That's just
sad." He shook his head. "I mean, come on, I'm the 'little brother
character.' I make all of you remember your childhoods and back to
what it was like to be innocent and sweet, unencumbered by life's
travails...like when you were Three. You can't just let a shark eat
me! Where's your love? You know! Come on now, show me your love.
You're lovin' me now! I know it!" His smile was big and his voice
high. "Show me the money, Jerry!"
folks," Chase the shark said, getting up and throwing a couple
ones on the table. "It's been fun, but I have to get back to the set."
well, it was sure nice having you," Chris said politely.
he was gonna eat me." JD pouted.
on back anytime, ya hear." Vin clapped him on the back.
He was digesting me."
don't make yourself scarce." Josiah put his arm around his
shoulder as he walked him out the door.
Josiah came back, looking down at JD who, after crying himself to
sleep, was lying on the floor with his blankie, sucking his thumb. He
smiled at the kid wistfully. "He sure looks younger when he's asleep."
Josiah, he gone?"
you catch his name?"
yeah! I mean, we all heard what his name was. Jeesh, Vin, where ya
been the last half hour?"
Vin opened his eyes wide, looking pointedly at Josiah. "I mean,
Did you catch his name?"
Josiah nodded knowingly. "Yep, I sure did."
"And who was that masked man?" The guys
so he could look directly into the camera, Josiah yelled,
Land Shark - Saturday Night
Chevy Chase - Saturday Night
Flock of Seagulls
The Lone Ranger
Note from Ruby: All of the references that I've made to mag7fic in this
story were done out of love.
let me know what you think. I'd love to know.