Rating: T - Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.  I'm switching over to these Fiction Ratings.  Fiction Ratings.

AU: ATF/AU Thanks Mog for the ATF/AU! 

Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven is owned by Trilogy, Mirish and MGM. No money is being made. This fanfic is purely for entertainment purposes. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) does not belong to me. I just watch it ALL the time. ;)

Warning! Bad language.




By: Ruby

"I don't know what bug crawled up Chris' ass," Vin Tanner said as he walked into the bullpen. "I said mornin' to him and he 'bout bit my head off." The Texan dropped into his chair, glancing around at his three teammates.

"I also had the unfortunate experience of almost losing said appendage after I attempted to offer my salutations to our leader this morning," Ezra told him.

"You got your head bit off too, Ez?" Vin smirked.

"Yes." Ezra blinked at him.

Josiah smiled, as he leaned back in his chair, hands crossed over his stomach. "Me and Nathan got it too."

"Man's going to have a stroke," the tall medic said as he booted up his computer.

"Well, hell." Vin grinned, shaking his head. "At least it's not just me."

Buck walked in, slapping at his coat. "Damn! Am I on fire?" He glanced behind him, comically patting down the sides of his jacket. "Got to get all the embers out before I ruin my favorite duds." He bobbed his eyebrows as he smirked at his friends. "Chris is in one of those moods."

"Yep," Vin agreed. "Ezra almost lost an appendage." Vin widened his eyes dramatically. Then he frowned thoughtfully. "Is your head an appendage?" he asked. "I thought appendages were fingers and toes."

"I would assume any body part that is not your torso would be considered an appendage," Ezra informed him haughtily.

Vin nodded, frowning. He sighed sadly. "Wouldn't it suck to just be a torso?"

Ezra spurted coffee across his desk.

"No arms, no legs, no head," Vin continued morosely. "That would be…"

"Awkward?" Buck supplied, grinning.

Vin nodded. "Where would you buy your clothes?"

"Www.torso.com?" Buck guessed.

Nathan barked out a laugh. Josiah shook his head, chuckling while Ezra stared at Vin and Buck like they were from another planet.

"That's not funny, Buck. *I* was a torso," Vin said, sounding deeply offended

Buck snorted. "You watch too much MST3K, Vin."

Vin shook his head, grinning. "You can never watch too much MST3K."

They all laughed, but stopped when they saw JD.

"Oh my god!" JD breathed out as he walked into the office. White faced, the young agent stopped in the middle of the desks to stare at his teammates. He held up his hands and then dropped them in defeat. "Did…" He swallowed hard. "I…?"

"Let me guess," Buck said, "you ran into Chris in the parking garage?"

JD nodded, his eyes wide. "Oh my god! I thought he was going to take my head off."

Vin and Ezra shared a quick grin.

Slump shouldered, JD walked over and dropped into his chair. "Man!" He ran a shaking hand through his hair. "I've never even heard some of those words."

"Sailors were covering their ears?" Vin asked.

"Hell, Vin," JD said. "Sailors were covering mechanics' ears. Oh my god!"

"Chris is in one of his moods," Buck explained.

"Yeah," JD cocked his head. "I got that." He sighed. "I parked the bike and I saw Chris sitting there in his truck and I thought I'd just say hey, you know… and… " He widened his eyes. "He totally went off on me."

"It's Monday. You know he doesn't become human until at least four," Nathan told them.

"Maybe he hasn't had any coffee yet," Vin wondered.

"Yeah, maybe his coffee pot broke."

"Or maybe he was kidnapped by aliens, and now he's like a… pod person… or something?" JD looked around the room hopefully.

The rest just stared at him.

"Well…" JD pouted, "it could happen."

"Maybe in the world you live in."

"I live in your world."

"Uh… I beg to differ, Mr. Dunne. I often wonder if you are residing in the same universe as the rest of us," Ezra told him.

"What's that mean?" JD asked, hurt.

Buck smiled at JD's discomfort and then glanced down at his desk. He blinked a few times as he stared at his desk calendar. "Oh," he breathed out.

"What?" JD asked him. "You think I don't live-"

"No, kid," Buck waved his hand, cutting JD off, still staring at his desk. He looked around at the others. Rubbing a hand over his face, he sighed deeply. "It's Sarah's birthday."

No one spoke.

JD looked down, paling. "God."

Nathan nodded.

"Yeah," Vin said. "That would explain it."

Ezra sighed.

Josiah cleared his throat loudly and they all looked over to see Chris walking through the door.


His face pale, his eyes on the floor, Chris walked through the room towards his office. He stopped with his hand on his doorknob, his back to the room. He didn't open the door, just stood there, slump shouldered. He could feel the mens' eyes on him.

Taking in a long breath and then letting it back out, Chris finally turned, glancing around the room, meeting each man's gaze.

No one spoke.

Chris shook his head, looking down, his cheeks coloring slightly. He swallowed hard.

"So…um… " JD's voice startled him and Chris looked up to meet JD's eyes.

"We're having a…" JD glanced at Buck and then back. "A… poker game at the condo tonight…"

Buck frowned in confusion but then cocked his head and smiled. "Yeah, Chris," he took over cheerfully. "We're all getting together. Game starts at eight."

To his credit Ezra only looked confused for a moment and then quickly caught on. "Yes, Mr. Larabee, your presence at the game would be most appreciated, monetarily, of course."

Vin grinned. "You tellin' Chris you're going to beat the socks off him?"

"Well, I was hoping only to acquire all of his currency, but if it comes down to it I'll take everything I can get." Ezra grinned wryly.

Vin smiled over at Chris. "Yeah, pard, it'd be great to see ya there."

"Rain and I are going out for dinner, but not until after her shift. I think I can stop by for a couple hours," Nathan told them, his eyes soft.

Josiah smiled widely. "I'll be there with bells on." And then he looked over at Chris. "So I guess that just leaves you."

Chris glanced around the room, meeting each man's gaze. He'd been such an ass earlier. It was just that he didn’t think about what day it was until he'd pulled into the parking garage. He was just turning the engine off when he heard the D.J. on the radio say the date.

It all came back to him. How could he forget Sarah's birthday? How could he not even think about it?

So he sat there in the Ram feeling guilty and hating himself. And then one by one the men stopped to see if he was okay. And he could only do what came naturally when he wanted people to leave him alone.

But here they were, forgiving him, wanting him to spend the evening with them. He sighed. These were some men.

He looked them each in the eye. "I'll be there," he told them, his voice gruff.

"Well, all right!" Buck spun in his chair so he could high five JD over their desks.

"Uh... Buck?" JD whispered, even though every man could still hear him. "We'll have to… leave after lunch so we can get the place cleaned up!"

Chris barked out a laugh and shook his head. Yep, things were back to normal.

December 2006


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