Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven is owned by Trilogy, Mirish and MGM. No money is being made. This fanfic is purely for entertainment purposes. I hope I don't get the stuffing sued out of me for this one. None of the comic strips mentioned in this story belong to me. Pearls Before Swine belongs to Stephan Pastis and USF, Inc.
AU: ATF - Thanks Mog! :)
Author's Notes: I know why I wrote this story, just not sure why I'm putting it up on the 'net. <g> I figure someone who reads Pearls Before Swine might get it, but it's just going to be stupid if not. LOL Don't know what to tell you. ;)
Read Pearls! I love this comic strip. Can you say 'addicted'? This is *my* sense of humor. I bought Sgt. Piggy's Lonely Hearts Club Comic : A Pearls Before Swine Treasury and I've read it so many times. A lot of the references from this story came out of that book. Oh, man. Funny stuff! Dark, sick, twisted, sarcastic, mean and funny as hell!
"Yeah, Darlin', I'll be there," Buck cooed into his cell phone. "You know I will."
Vin groaned loudly. Sighing, he shook his head and then glanced at JD. "Buck's goin' in the box."
"Oh yeah," JD looked disappointed as he rested his gaze on his roommate. "Totally."
"The 'box'?" Nathan glanced from one to the other. "What's that?"
"The Box 'O Stupid People," Vin answered.
"And what, pray tell, Mr. Tanner, is that?" Ezra inquired.
JD piped up, "It's the box they put all the people in that make unnecessarily loud cell phone calls in public places."
Josiah blinked at them. "What?" he asked dubiously.
Vin grinned. "Gotta love 'Pearls'."
"I want to be Rat, but I'm really just Pig," JD told Vin sadly.
"Yeah." Vin nodded. "And Ezra would be Goat."
"I beg your pardon?" Ezra barked out indignantly.
"Who's Zebra?" JD asked.
"Josiah. Because no matter what he does to try to save the world around him, it all still goes to hell in a hand basket," Vin replied.
"Yeah." JD bobbed his head. "So, like, the world's the equivalent of Zebra's herd?"
"Yes, JD, that was the comparison I was trying to make." Vin let out a long-suffering sigh.
JD stared at him and then, after a moment, asked. "So who's Chris?"
"Angry Bob?" Vin wondered.
JD nodded thoughtfully. "'Bob was angry.'"
"*What* are you two talking about?" Josiah interrupted his teammates' strange conversation.
"You don't read 'Pearls', do you?" JD chuckled.
Josiah raised his eyebrows as he stared at him. "Obviously not."
"Pearls Before Swine." Vin smirked.
Ezra opened his mouth, blinked a few times at Vin and then snapped his mouth shut.
Vin laughed at him. "It's a comic strip. Pearls Before Swine. Damn funny stuff."
Josiah looked thoughtful. "I had an Aunt Pearl."
Purposely ignoring the profiler, JD leaned back in his chair. "Yeah, really funny stuff," he told Ezra.
"I see." Ezra rolled his eyes.
"Funnier than 'Calvin'?" Josiah asked.
Vin pursed his lips. After a moment, he answered, "Nah." He shrugged. "Well, Pearls is just damn funny... but Calvin... now *that* was a comic."
"I like Hobbes." JD smiled.
Buck snapped his phone closed. Glancing around the room, he looked perplexed. "What did I miss?"
"You weren't even alive yet, JD," Nathan told their youngest. "How can you know Calvin and Hobbes?"
"Hello." JD made the motion of knocking in the air. "Anyone home in there? I've got like all the books. I *know* Calvin and Hobbes."
Nathan shook his head, smirking slightly. "I stand corrected.
JD harrumphed at him.
Buck looked around at all of them. "So... what did I miss?"
"Nothin'," Vin smiled angelically at him.
"Just that you would now be residing in the 'Box', Mr. Wilmington," Ezra widened his eyes at him.
"The box?" Buck asked.
"'The Box 'O Stupid People,' apparently," Ezra told him.
Buck frowned as he glanced from Vin to JD, who were both snickering uncontrollably. He bobbed his eyebrows, grinning. "Don't you mean, the box of *handsome* people?"
JD snorted. "Yeah, right."
And Vin added, "If they just happen to be stupid."
Laughing, JD said in a 'surfer-dude' voice, hand up to his ear, mimicking a phone, "And Buck's like, 'I don't want to go in the box.' And Rat's like, 'Dude, you're going in the box.'"
Vin laughed. "Oh, yeah."
JD took pity on Buck. "We're talking about a comic strip, Buck. Pearls Before Swine. Vin and I read it on the web every day. It's hilarious. Here, I'll pull the page up, we can see what today's is." JD sat quietly for a moment, looking at his monitor. His eyes slowly moved across the screen, reading. After a moment of silence he burst out laughing, snorting uncontrollably. "Oh my god!" He leaned forward, grabbing his middle. "Vin! Read today's."
Vin shook his head, as he pulled the webpage up on his computer. "Can't be funnier than the 'Three Egg Omelet' one," he grumbled. But then he too read the comic. It wasn't a second before he guffawed, laughing so loud that his voice cracked when it reached a too-high octave, and he started to cough, gasping for breath.
Nathan hurried over to him, patting him on the back.
Tears running down his face, Vin waved him off.
JD wiped his own eyes, reading the comic on his computer again. "It's *so* you, Vin," he laughed at the sharpshooter.
Vin nodded, still laughing.
With a huff, Buck came over to stand behind JD, reading over his shoulder. But soon he was chortling with the two of them.
Nathan, Josiah and Ezra all came over.
"What could possibly be so funny...?" Ezra's voice drifted off as he read the comic. A slight smile crossed his face, even though he looked like he was trying to fight it.
Josiah barked out a laugh and Nathan chuckled along with him.
"Poor Bart." JD sighed.
"Poor Floyd." Vin shook his head.
Chris walked out. "What is going on out here?"
JD ducked his head, blushing slightly under his boss' scrutiny. "Oh, um... well, we're looking at a comic strip online."
"Uh huh," Chris stared him down, grinning when JD quickly looked away.
"Pearls Before Swine," Ezra illuminated.
The corner of Chris' mouth turned up and he caught all of them with his stare. Deadpan, he replied, "You've upset the Rat."
What was so dang funny?
December 21, 2005
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