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Magnificent Seven Fanfiction ~ Parody Style

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The Board

by: Ruby

Rating: G

Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven is owned by Trilogy, Mirish and MGM. No money is being made. This fanfic is purely for entertainment purposes

Author's Notes: Well, I've been reading the discussion on the list, and I feel out of it (of course, I *always* feel 'out of it' <g>), so I thought I'd try my hand at making up an AU. Please don't take this seriously. (I honestly don't have a mean bone in my body. Well, except for that *one*, but we don't talk about that.<g>) I'm really just having some fun here. I love all of you guys. Feedback is greatly appreciated. Please let me know what you think.


The Board

by: Ruby 

Seven characters fight to win in the game of their lives...

(Cue Star Wars music...)

From the mind that brought you these entertaining incidents...

"These minors drank all of my beer!"
"Miners?" Ruby leaned over to whisper in Mindy's ear. "Why's she keep callin' us miners? I've never mined a day in my life."


"So that's a hamburger, Coke and one large fry?"
"A large fry? No, I don't want a large fry. I want a box with a lot of fries in it."

and...we can't forget...

"The straightjacket is uncomfortable to begin with...but once those drugs start to kick in..."

From *that* mind comes this epic of two sides faced in battle. The dark side and the light. Black and white.

The 'War and Peace' of fanfics.....

(Star Wars music fades to anticipatory silence )


Let's meet the characters...

Ezra Standish - The always charming White ROOK

"Rook?" Ezra drawled in his best 'Scarlett O'Hara' voice, "Why, I do declare, why ever would I be the Rook?

"Rook?" Ruby picked the small piece up off the board, turning it in her fingers, peering at it intently. "Rook?" she chuckled, "Oh, I thought it was a Crook."

"Oh," Ezra smiled, his dimples showing, "that explains it." He paused, "H-e-y!"

Buck Wilmington - The ever helpful White KNIGHT

"Mrmmmrmmm. Smack. Mrmmmmm."

"Mr. Wilmington?"

"Mrmmmmm. Smacksmack. Mrmmmmm."

"AHEM! Mr. Wilmington."


"What are you doin'?"

He grinned coyly. "I'm just teachin' the Black Queen a little French."

"Can you put her back now?"

"Oh, why sure, darlin'. And, Miss Ruby, did I ever tell you how green your eyes are? How red your hair is? Ho- ummph!!"

(We'll just get rid of the Knight. Who needs a Knight in shining armor anyway. I mean, come on! This is the real world, and we don't want Knights, we want COWBOYS!)

JD Dunne - The White PAWN

"The PAWN? What do you mean the pawn?? I demand a better Piece. Why can't I be the Knight?"

"Hey, I'm the Knight." Buck toned in.

"But, Buck, you're in the trashcan."


JD's face was dripping with incredulity; grabbing his handkerchief, he wiped it off. "I am not a Pawn! Being!"

Chris Larabee - The White King

"The Black King," Larabee hissed.

"Um...begging your pardon, Mr. Larabee, but you *need* to be the White King. You can't be the black king on the white side. It just won't work.

Chris's eyes narrowed. He spoke through clenched teeth, "I have to be the Black King. I'm the 'darkly dressed gunslinger,' 'the man in black,' 'the...' " He reached down, letting his hand rest on the butt of his gun. "Besides, *I* have a Peacemaker."

".....Alrighty then. The Black King it is.

Vin Tanner - The White Queen

"WHAT?" The tracker's voice squeaked. He cleared his throat. "What the hell are you talkin' about?"

JD snickered.

A chortle could be heard comin' from the direction of the waste basket.

Ezra gasped, trying to hide his chuckle and keep his 'poker face' firmly in place.

"What the hell? Why am I the Queen?"

" 'Cause, you've got the hair."

"This is..." he spluttered, "This is...outrageous."

Chris grabbed Tanner around his neck, pulling him close. "Come here, Baby." He kissed the tracker on the side of the face."

A mare's leg suddenly appeared. "We're about two seconds from seein' what the Black King looks like on the inside."



"Gasp. Can't breathe. Need...air.....Ack...Thud!"

"Quick, someone call the medics, Ezra's down! " Josiah yelled, just so he could be *in* this dang story. "Trying to keep his poker face in place must a been too hard for his heart," the ex-preacher spoke, tears glistening in his eyes while he pushed the dark hair off the gambler's forehead.

"This is nine-one-one control. What is your emergency?"

"JD!" Buck yelled, "Stop playin' with that toy fire truck and call 911."

"El-mo to the rescue."



"I'm fine!" Ezra jumped up, shaking the caring hands from his body.

"Another miracle," Josiah cried. "Thank you, God." He looked toward heaven.

"Yes, well, actually, I just needed to get my obligatory 'I'm fine' into this story." Ezra almost looked sheepish.


On with the story...

Josiah Sanchez - The White BISHOP


"Aren't you going to complain?"


"Really? You're not gonna cry and scream and call your Union?"

"Nah. I'm just happy to be *in* one a your stories." Josiah shook his head at Nathan, receiving a knowing look in return.


Nathan Jackson - The a sec.

(Ruby consults the voices in her head. "Hey, what are the other chess pieces?" "I don't know; I don't play chess." "You don't?" "Nope." "Me neither." "Ahh he-ll!")

Nathan Jackson - The AS SOON AS I THINK OF IT

Well, Folks, there you have it. The exciting beginning of one of the most anticipated fanfics of the year. Will there be an actual story?


Coming soon to a monitor near you...maybe...

January 2001


[email protected]

Please let me know what you think. I'd love to know.

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