Rating: PG-13 Language

Disclaimer. I don't own the guys, Trilogy and the other big wigs do. I'm not making any money from this. I don't own McDonalds, either. If I did, I'd be the size of a house. <g>

Author's Note: A huge thank you to Mog for letting me play in her sandbox. Not one word of this fic is meant to be taken serious. It's just silliness. Janet, thanks for giving me the idea. Marla, thanks for betaing it. Feedback is always appreciated. Please let me know what you think.


The McDonald's Incident ATF/AU
By: Ruby

"Come on guys. I won the bet, I get to pick where we're goin' for lunch." JD picked up his helmet and headed for the door.

Chris, Nathan and Josiah were in a meeting. That left just Buck, JD, Vin and Ezra in the office.

"Where's it gonna be, kid?" Vin stretched and pulled his body out of the computer chair.

"Where does the kid usually eat, Vin?" Buck smirked.

Vin glanced over at Ezra, in unison the two agents replied. "McDonald's."

"Good Lord, I am *not* eating there." Ezra stood up and walked towards the door.

JD rolled his eyes and sneered at the older agent. "You don't hafta eat. You just hafta come. You lost the bet, remember?"

"Yes, however could I forget." Ezra rolled his eyes.

Vin glanced down at the helmet in JD's hand. "Kid, you're not gonna ride. We'll take Ezra's Jag."

"Cool." JD tossed the helmet in the direction of his desk.

Ezra stood, blinking rapidly in Tanner's direction.

Vin slapped him on the shoulder. "Com'on Ez."

Ezra sighed. "Heathens!" He pulled out his car keys and they headed for the elevator.


"What're ya gonna have?" JD watched as his three friends stared intently at the choices on the board.

"A Big Mac sounds good." Buck glanced over at Vin.

"Think I'll get a couple double cheeseburgers."

All three agents glanced over at the southerner.

Ezra stared disgustedly at the sign above the cashier's head. His mouth hung open. Blinking rapidly, he glanced from the choices on the sign over to his comrades. He sighed. "Coffee." Shaking his head, he turned towards JD. "If you would be so kind as to procure my beverage, I will be happy to secure a table for us."

Ezra turned and with one more disgusted glance at the men, walked towards a booth.

"What crawled up his a-"

"Welcome to McDonald's, what can I get for you?"


"Hey, cool! Great table! We can watch the kids playing in the tubes out in the playground."

Ezra raised his eyes from the paper he was reading. He glanced over his shoulder, then looked back at JD. "Is that what that monstrosity is? I assumed that it was a giant hamster maze."

"Hamsters don't get that big."

Ezra blinked his eyes very slowly. He opened his mouth to say something, but just as quickly closed it and pulled the paper back in front of his face.

"Food's here." Buck placed the tray on the table. Sitting down, he started passing out the food. Holding a box of French fries up in midair, he stared out the window behind Ezra and Vin.

"Mine!" JD pulled the fries out of Buck's hand. "Geez, Buck, stare much?"

"That, my boy, is a vision of beauty!"

Ezra and Vin turned to see what Buck was looking at. A woman stood next to the plastic playground tubes, staring intently at the top.

Buck suddenly stood up.

"Geez, Buck. At least eat yer food, 'fore you go hit on her." JD shook his head.

Buck glanced down at the kid. "I think something's wrong."

The men watched as the woman started waving her arms in the air and yelling towards the building.

The four ATF agents ran out the door, into the playground.

"Ma'am?" Buck was right beside her.

"My son! He's up there and he can't get down." She frantically grabbed onto Buck's arm, pulling the tall agent towards her.

"Don't worry, ma'am. We're ATF agents. We'll bring him down."

Vin and Ezra stared at Buck. "We?"

"I'll get him." JD started towards the opening of the tube.

Buck grabbed him by his collar and pulled him back. "No you don't junior!" He pulled JD over to Vin and Ezra. "I'm gonna get him, then I'll get her phone number and it'll make up for having to come here when we could be eating some place better."

JD glanced from Buck to the narrow tubes and then back to Wilmington. "Ah, Buck, yer not gonna fit in there. Yer gonna get stuck."

Buck scoffed. "Sure! You just want the glory. I know what yer doin'." He pushed JD, and the kid fell backwards into a pile of colorful Styrofoam balls. "Now, you just stay here and watch ole Buck work his magic."

Wilmington walked up to the frantic mother. "I'll get him ma'am. This is my job." He tipped his baseball cap to her, and with his best John Wayne walk, started towards the plastic tube.

"Buck!" Tanner's voice stopped him.


Vin pointed to the sign. "You have to take your shoes off first."

Ezra snorted, Vin glanced at him and Ezra raised his eyebrows and looked around like the sound couldn't have possibly come from him.

"Shut up, you two." Buck got down on all fours and peered into the opening of the tube. He put his hands in and then pulled his body behind him. It was a tight fit. He was doing fine until he couldn't get a grip on the slick plastic anymore. He couldn't move forward. He tried to wriggle backwards, but that didn't work either. The tube wasn't clear like some of the others, so he couldn't see anything, either.

JD, Vin and Ezra waited at the bottom. Ezra tried to ease the mother's worries and Vin and JD paced around the outside of the maze.

"Hey," JD pointed towards another tube, "I think I can get to 'im from here."

The kid scrambled into the tube and before they knew it he was up in the top with the child. It wasn't long before the top of the child's head popped out of the opening at the bottom.

The mother ran forward and scooped her son up in her arms. She hugged him, then looked at the three ATF agents. "I don't know how to thank you." She gushed. She kissed each man, then turned and took her son back to eat the rest of their meal.

"I'll go see what's taking Buck."

JD scurried back up the tube. They could see him stop and peer down the tube that Wilmington had entered earlier.

Vin and Ezra watched as suddenly JD's body started convulsing. They glanced at each other, both of their faces etched with worry, and ran to the opening. "JD!"

Suddenly JD looked down at them. He wiped tears from his face. "Ah...Houston...we have a problem." His shoulders shook from laughter.

Ezra and Vin stopped their headlong flight and stared up at the kid. They could see him talking into the tube. He looked down at them. "He's stuck."

He was laughing so hard that it took a minute for Ezra and Vin to realize what he was saying.


"Buck - he's stuck in this tube. Can't go forwards or backwards. He's stuck."

"You have GOT to be kidding me." Ezra glanced at Vin then back to JD. "We're professionals. We're ATF agents for God's sake! We don't get *stuck* in plastic tubes at a McDonald's play land." He looked around, trying to see if anyone had noticed anything.

JD stuck his head in the tube then brought it back out. He looked back down at Ezra, "Buck said you can kiss his-"

"Ahem. Yes, I'm quite sure I'm aware of the appendage Mr. Wilmington would like me to osculate." Ezra glanced around once more. "I'm an undercover agent, gentlemen, it won't do me an ounce of good to have my face plastered on the six o'clock news. Let's see if we can find a way out of this situation, without alerting the authorities."


Two and a half hours later, three very tired, very cranky ATF agents walked back into the office.

Buck walked stiff-legged back into the room.

Ezra limped, trying to keep his weight off his right ankle.

JD held his left wrist tightly with his right.

Vin followed close behind; wiping little flakes of plastic playground tube off his jacket, he grinned at his three friends.

"And what may I ask, Mr. Tanner, do you find so damn amusing about this whole situation?"

Tanner just looked from one man to the next. His face broke out in a wide grin. "First off, I can't believe the fire department had to cut Buck out of there. Did you see them? They were goin' for the Jaws of Life, 'fore someone," he pointed to himself, "mentioned that a good ole fashioned saw would do the trick."

He paused to stifle a chuckle. "Then, they cut the wrong tube, sending the boy wonder here plummeting to his death, well, if it hadn't been for that huge pile of Styrofoam balls."

Vin sat down on the edge of his desk and started laughing even harder. He pointed at Ezra. "THEN, the great undercover agent here twists his ankle on his mad dash for the men's room when he heard that they were calling a news crew to come film the event." He wiped tears from his eyes. "Oh, I tell you what. You just *can't* beat this." He wiped a few more bits of red and yellow plastic off of his shirt.

JD winced and held his wrist even tighter. "It's not funny, Vin. We could have been really hurt."

Vin stopped laughing and glanced down. Shame faced, he finally looked back up. "You're right, JD, I shouldn't laugh...it's just...the look on your face, when you started falling."

He chuckled. "And Buck, even with the oil the firemen poured in that tube, you couldn't get free. They cut the bottom off and you wriggled backwards, 'till yer shoulders got stuck. So, they cut the top off and ya wriggled forwards, 'till ya got stuck again."

Vin laughed, "So you were left with that piece of tube around ya; yer head stuck out one end and yer legs the other. Then, Ezra limped back out of the men's room, and after looking around and making sure there weren't any cameras, asked the fire chief if we could keep ya that way." He started laughing even harder.

Ezra grinned, then smiled, then started to laugh.

JD finally joined in.

Vin, JD and Ezra all looked over at Buck, who was the only one out of the four "McDonald's Incident" survivors who wasn't laughing.

"Come on, Buck. It *is* funny!" JD laughed at his best friend.

Buck just scowled at the three of them. "It's *not* funny, JD. I didn't get the girl, I embarrassed myself in front of God and everyone, and," he looked down and motioned to the yellow plastic playground tube that encased half of his body, "how in the HELL am I gonna explain this to Chris?"

the end (April 2000)


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