Rating: T - Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.  I'm switching over to these Fiction Ratings.  Fiction Ratings.

AU: ATF Thanks Mog! :)

Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven is owned by Trilogy, Mirish and MGM. No money is being made. This fanfic is purely for entertainment purposes.

Author's Notes: Another one! I'm on a roll! ;)

I just wrote this story this afternoon. It's total silliness! When I first posted this I labled it a parody, but I've changed my mind. Buck's definitely out of character, and the others to a smaller extent, but I don't believe the entire story is a parody. <g> The story is supposed to be funny, and not an indication of how I think the characters would really act. It sure was a lot of fun to write.

Warning: Characters are out of charater!


User Friendly


By: Ruby

Sitting at his desk in the office, ATF agent Buck Wilmington rocked back in his chair as he stared at his computer. "A  fatal error has occurred!" he gasped.

"What?" JD glanced up from his own desk.

"Oh my god!" Buck breathed out. "My computer's dying!" He shook his head as he stared at his monitor.

"Your computer isn't dying, Buck," JD said, as he got up and walked around to Buck's desk.

"Your computer just can't take it anymore," Vin told him, smirking.

"See!" Buck pointed at his screen as he looked up at JD and then back down. "It's dying! 'A fatal error had occurred'," he read the words. "A *fatal* error!"

"That sounds so... mortally ominous." Ezra shook his head sadly and then winked over at Vin.

"Yeah." Vin sighed, swallowing hard. "A fatal error. There ain't no coming back from that. That's all she wrote, folks."

"Where's Mr. Jackson when you need him?" Ezra asked morosely.

Vin chuckled and then cried out, "Clear!"

"If Mr. Sanchez were here he could give the poor machine its last rites," Ezra said.

"Or..." Vin grinned evilly. "It's last *bytes.*" He chortled.

Ezra rocked back in his chair, laughing loudly.

Vin grinned and shrugged. "If Chris was here he could shoot it for ya," he told Buck helpfully.

"It's not funny, you guys," Buck hissed at them.

Vin and Ezra just laughed louder.

Buck glared. "This is no time for jokes! I think my computer just committed suicide."

Ezra snorted.

"If I had you breathing on me all day long I'd suicide too!" Vin told him.

"'Suicide' is not a verb, Mr. Tanner. You can 'commit' suicide, but you cannot 'suicide'," Ezra informed him.

"Sure you can," Vin defended. "I know I've heard that before. Hold on, let me get my dictionary."

"Mr. Dunne used it to make paper airplanes," Ezra reminded him.

"Oh yeah." Vin looked perplexed. "Well, I'm almost positive you can suicide."

"You can murder someone, but you can't suicide someone," Ezra told him.

"Well, of course not, Ez. 'Cause you wouldn't be suicidin' someone else, you'd be suicidin' yourself. Can't suicide someone else 'cause then it *would* be murder," Vin explained to him.

Ezra huffed out a disgusted breath. "Now, hold on a minute Mr. Tanner-"

"Shut. Up!" JD yelled as he stared at the two agents like they were aliens. He threw his hands down in disgust.

Buck didn't pay them any mind. He was soothing his computer with soft words as he patted the side of the monitor. "It's okay, baby. Don't do this to old Buck. It'll be all right, honey..."

JD rolled his eyes as he scooted Buck out of his seat. "Just let me see." He dropped into the chair, his fingers already flying over the keyboard.

Buck hovered over JD, nervous as a new father. "Easy. Take it easy with her."

"Her?" JD looked up at him incredulously. "It's a computer, Buck."

"Well, it's a special computer," Buck huffed out.

"Is there something that you need to tell the rest of us, Mr. Wilmington?" Ezra asked, his forehead wrinkled.

"Buck, are you having a secret affair with your computer?" Vin tsked.

"There's nothing 'secret' about it," JD huffed out under his breath as he worked his magic on the machine.

Buck sniffed, sounded like he was going to cry. "JD?"

JD glanced up at Buck. Then he looked over to find Ezra and Vin watching him with matching grins on their faces.

Vin winked at him.

The corners of JD's mouth turned up as he looked up into his roommate's hopeful face. He quickly hid the grin and looked away, shaking his head sadly. He stopped typing and slowly leaned back in the chair. Glumly, he glanced up at Buck, his eyes moist. He let out a sigh, holding his hands up in defeat. "There's... nothing... I can do, Buck," his voice cracked.

"What?" Buck squeaked.

"She's gone," JD told him, hanging his head.

"What!" Buck almost yelled.

JD shook his head sadly. "It's a lost cause."

"No! No way, JD! You can save her," Buck told him. "I know you can." He grabbed JD by the arm and pulled him forward, pointing at the monitor. "Fix her!"

Vin guffawed and wiped his eyes. "Your 'puter done suicided, Buck," he told him, his Texas drawl deep and twangy.

Ezra snorted out a laugh.

Staring at Buck, JD sighed and started in to slowly and patiently explain the problem. "Your CPU had an error message in its default directory, which resulted in hardwire corruption in the input/output, which was due to a software malfunction in the alpha and beta section of the memory."

"What??" Buck stepped back, his hand over his heart.

JD stared at him seriously, his face lined with sorrow.

"What does that *mean*?" Buck's voice cracked.

"You need more RAM," JD told him.

"I need a Ram?" Buck shook his head, his brow furrowed. He ran his thumb and index finger over his mustache. "I guess I could borrow Chris'?" He looked hopeful.

Biting down on his top lip, JD cocked his head. "Chris has extra RAM?"

"Chris' Ram. His Ram. You know, his Ram!" Buck said, gesturing wildly.

"Oh!" JD nodded. "His Ram."

"Yeah." Buck let out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

"Oh, no, Buck," Vin told him. "That's not going to work. A truck won't help your computer, now." He shrugged. "Unless you want to run it over."

"I'm not going to run my computer over!" Buck squeaked.

"I guess he could use the vehicle to expedite his trip to Best Buy, where he could a) buy a new computer or b) utilize the services of the Geek Squad," Ezra said.

"JD *is* our Geek Squad." Vin grinned inanely.

"Too true," Ezra agreed.

JD took pity on his roommate. "I'm just kidding, Buck. Your computer's fine. A fatal error on a computer isn't fatal at all. In fact it's a quite common occurrence."

"Among idiots," Ezra added.

"Among 'novice users'," JD corrected.

"Buck's not a 'novice user', JD," Vin said. "When it comes to computers, Buck's writing the book: 'An Idiots Guide to Being an Idiot'."

Buck turned on him. "Did you just call me an idiot, Tanner?"

Vin held his hands up, all innocence. "Don't know where you got that idea."

"Yeah... well..." Buck harrumphed.

"Okay, all done, Buck." JD jumped up from the chair and then pushed Buck back into it. "She's all yours. All fixed. Good as new. Yep, all... done."

Buck glanced up at JD, his eyes narrowing.

JD walked around the desks to plop down in his own chair. "I even made some upgrades," he told Buck as he bobbed his eyebrows at Vin and Ezra.

"You did?" Buck asked, smiling.

"Oh yeah," JD answered, hiding his evil grin. "Go ahead and pull a window up."

As soon as Buck moved his mouse there was a whirring sound and the disk drive on his computer tower popped out. Buck stared down at it and then looked over at JD expectantly. "What's that?"

The corners of his mouth turned up, and JD told him happily, "That's your new cup holder."

Ezra and Vin snorted out laughs, as JD rocked back in his chair, grinning like a loon.

"Cool!" Buck cried out, grabbing for his coffee cup.

December 2006


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